While coworkers are close physically, we are not often close emotionally. But when one of us experiences a personal crisis, we are forced into unfamiliar roles—and this distance can be awkward and, at least for the aggrieved, unhelpful. Professional relationships are anchored by hierarchy, politics, obligation. Emotional support needs waters that are not muddy. It requires purity and simplicity. And to achieve those things you need enough humility to understand that your job is not to alleviate the burdens of grief. Your job is to alleviate the burdens of work.
First thing: Acknowledge the hardship. This is most of it. This is the point. And yes, it is hard. I think the main anxiety we have comes from talking to people who may not want to talk. So…email. Really. But do not avoid looking at the person when you pass in the hallway. Really. The problem is not reaching out; it is that we try to do too much. And “too much” is what the aggrieved is already experiencing. Do not add too much on top of too much. Do not demand information by asking “How are you doing?” or “What can I do?”
Upon the death of her husband Dave Goldberg, Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, took to the social media site to talk candidly of her pain. She returned to work hoping for normalcy, but people avoided her or looked frightened whenever she approached because they were unsure how to act or what to say. People often lean on hopeful statements, like, “Everything will be OK,” or filler questions like, “How are you?” But in her first Facebook post after her husband’s death, she warned that these often lead to further pain and uncertainty. Instead, Sandberg said, “Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not.”
A related point: Acknowledge that the hardship has happened to them. Acknowledge that you do not know what the hardship feels like. The two most practical, helpful, loving, nonjudgmental comments are “I heard what happened” and “I can’t imagine what it’s like for you,” said Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute, which trains people to help those who have suffered loss. Of course you know grief. You know how you felt when a similar thing happened to you, but you must avoid the attempt to identify.
Do not be a therapist. Or a cheerleader. Taking on either of these roles is self-aggrandizing. You cannot make things better, but you can make things worse.
Stop talking. Friedman suggests being—and those of you who, like me, have an aversion to cute metaphors will have to forgive me for reflecting this one—a “heart with ears.” (Sorry, everybody.) The point is: Grieving people need to be heard, not spoken to. When you are offering advice, you are doing the opposite of listening. What is happening is: They are hearing you. And this is not about you.
Do not ask what you can do to help. Say what you are going to do to help. Or just help—no talking required. A request for permission involves the task of answering the question. Do not create tasks. Instead, relieve them of tasks. They are not incapable of doing their jobs, of course, but their jobs will be made much more manageable if you remove tasks in the short term. We are talking meetings, projects, softball team management....
That said, maintain their privacy. Before you enact some plan to help the aggrieved staffer get her work done—or deal with less work—run it by her first. The plan might involve other colleagues, and she might not want everybody knowing what is going on in her personal life. Also, some people prefer working through tough times to distract themselves.
Finally: Do the thing. I do not know what the thing is. Maybe it is flowers. Maybe it is setting up a cooler on the person’s porch so people can drop off food (without requiring anyone to answer the door). Maybe it is your presence at the funeral. Maybe it is a card. Maybe it is finally sending the email you wrote three days ago. Go. Do. Hit send. Despite all the warnings about overstepping and overburdening, err on the side of doing the thing. When it comes to helping, too much will always be better than too little.
Of course, sending the second-to-largest gift basket, not the largest, will do just fine. Let us not get carried away here.
“You shouldn't take it so hard” or "You're overreacting." Because this is criticism.
"It could be a lot worse” or “You’ll get over it." Because this downplays suffering.
"You need to pull yourself together" or "You need to be strong.” Because you’re asking the person to reject their feelings.
“Everything happens for a reason.” Because this is stupid.
“I know how you feel.” Because you do not.
“What can I do?” Because it requires the person to make a plan for you.
“Did you see Scandal last night?!” (Not now.)
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This article originally appeared on Entrepreneur.com. Minor edits have been done by the Entrepreneur.com.ph editors.